HealthThe Stethoscope

Golf, sex and spine surgery

I saw her at the airport
Splendid in white.
I went up to her and said,
‘If you are not too busy,
We could spend all day having sex.’
She slapped me and walked away….
Twenty minutes later, she came back, stood very close to me and said,
‘Did you mean that?’

I was still smarting from the slap. My face red with insult.
I moved to rub my face and
my hands accidentally touched her breasts.

‘No’, I said
She looked at me and pursed her lips.
‘Your loss’, she said
Then knocked me on the head.

I said, ‘You are a hard woman.’
She said, ‘I wish you were; hard, that is.’
I said, ‘If your heart was as soft as your breasts.’
She said, ‘If your penis is as hard as your head.’
I had no reply to that
Her stare was penetrating.
My face was smarting.
I tried to distract attention.

‘I am off to Portharcourt to watch a golf competition’, I said
She laughed heartily and then said,
‘Did you hear about the golfer with a hard-on who ran into a wall?’
‘He broke his nose’, she finished.
‘Golfers talk about a hole in one’,
‘Instead of putting one in the hole.’
Then she laughed heartily at her own private joke

I did not find it funny, of course. Perhaps she thought I was a golfer. Golf, I hear is addictive.
Truth be told, I hate anything addictive. So, is Salsa dancing, by the way?
All the twists and turns with a girl. I gave up Salsa when I started dancing in my sleep!
Does things to your head, it does.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I invited her to have a drink with me.
She said, ‘Man, we are in the airport’
‘No alcohol before breakfast.’

But, we did go and have coffee instead.
I had coffee and croissants,
In case you were wondering.

She asked for eggs
I said, ‘How do you like your eggs in the morning’
‘Totally unfertilized’, she said
She got the joke and
We got on famously.
Turns out she is headed to PH too.
Oh well, what a flight this would be!

We were on an Arik flight
Sat side by side.
And boy, it left on time
Got to Portharcourt no problem.
And then returned to Abuja.
Something about the landing lights!
Landed alright in Abuja
Then, off we were again to PH.
3 hours with the same woman
I didn’t know I could last that long!

In flight, no entertainment.
And damn shitty food.
I asked her, ‘Would you have time to play around in PH’
‘No’, she said, ‘I don’t like golf’
‘Around, not a round’, I said
‘I know’, she said

I suppose golf is akin to sex.
Once you get a hole in one,
you keep trying again.
Periods of euphoria
mixed with depression.

I hear golfers wear two pants
Just in case they get a hole in one.
But, I digress!

We got to PH
And the golf club celebrating a tournament.
Men walking straight
Women walking lopsided
Perhaps reflecting the swing of the golfers!
Hahaha, wedges and slices.
Swings and puts!

I was here to talk about spine,
Spine surgery actually
In the heart of the Garden City
No need to go to America
If you need spine surgery
The Tiger example all too real.
Local advice and expertise
Now available on and off the golf course.

With massage and physio
From the lady in white
Who has soft fingers,
And a dirty mouth!
Not that I would know!
Though we did spend all day together learning all about golf and a hole in one!

Spine surgery
Patients who have severe back and leg pains due to arthritis of the spine may be offered back operation. Spine operations are more commonly used to treat lower back pain resulting from a damaged or degenerate intervertebral disc (the shock absorber between the bones), or spondylolisthesis (slip of one bone on the other). The goal here is to stabilise the spine so that pain (and sometimes deformity) is reduced.

Operations are also used to treat lower leg pain resulting from pressure on a nerve or nerves in the back. The goal then is to free the nerves from pressure and so stop pain, numbness and weakness in the legs. Surgery is usually recommended when all reasonable conservative measures (pain medications, nerve injections, physical therapies, braces etc.) have failed. It is often the last resort unless there are special circumstances like severe nerve injury that makes it the number one priority.

So, if you need a back operation: The operations can be performed safely in PH, Abuja, Lagos and other places in Nigeria. Be clear in your mind that you have exhausted all other reasonable treatments such as weight loss, regular exercise (golf?), medication and even meditation. Be prayerful and trust in your surgeon for a successful outcome. Have no fear and trust in God to heal you.

Or trust in golf and the lady in white!

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