Satire

SATIRE: Abuja under lock and key!

This is the first week of Abuja, the capital city of Nigeria being under lockdown in the fight against the Corona virus and the disease called covid-19. I know that like Donald J. Trump, we would all like to label it properly as: the Wuhan or Chinese virus. It seems befitting and adds location to it like Google.

President Trump.

This reminds me of a story. “If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one student rose to his feet. “Now then Mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer. “Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

It is the first time, I will stand with Trump.

Talking about self
My first girlfriend called to find out how I am and praying that I was safe. That was really nice as we haven’t spoken for decades. You know how you never forget your first love. I remember she was chewing gum and watching TV the first time we did it. It made a big impression on me and confirmed a long held notion. Women can multitask!

Social media feed.

Talking about women
Life goes on under the lockdown of course and in Abuja, it seems you cannot lockdown the homeless. By the way, can you imagine a landlord evicting someone at this time for not paying rent? Isn’t that the most insensitive and cruellest thing to do at this time? It’s right up there with the bank removing your last N1000 as account maintenance fees. What are they maintaining with all of us at home?

For some, staying at home, means stay home under the trees in front of the GTB. So, there is this woman and her three children at the bank. The children were picking up dirt as she swept the street. Impressive, that she was concerned about cleanliness of her surroundings. Such a hardy woman deserves a real man and Naira. I decided to be a real man and so deliberately went to the bank and got N2000 from the ATM. I gave her one!

Talking about giving
I also gave to the Policewoman. No, not money! The police had mounted road blocks checking people driving around under the lockdown. She came up to the car and was too close for comfort. I asked her why she and her colleagues were not wearing facemasks since they interact so closely with different drivers. ‘’They did not give us any, she said. Can you give me some’’. Well, with those dewy eyes, I decided to give her my hand sanitizer and my facemask. We have to protect the species, corona virus be damned.

Talking about corona virus
Social distancing is changing relationships in many ways. Some people are finding out exactly who they married and the real meaning of ‘for better, for worse and till death do us part’’. Sometimes staying in place with the same person can be exasperating, even under love conditions. You might find that you actually married an ‘’ignoranus’’. Oh, that is a new word which means you married someone who is both stupid and an asshole.

Did you hear about the woman who leaned out of her window and shouted, ‘’I am bored’’.

Social media feed.

Well, some people may also discover they have time to create great memories and rediscover, rekindle the relationship with their loved ones and children. There is one very important memory you need to recall at this time. This is the time to remember where your properties are and write a will. You do not want your family to be shipwrecked: up the creek without a paddle. So, please use the time to write a will.

Social media feed.

Talking about wills and probate
It is true that this corona business is affecting the elderly more and a serious number of them have died. But, remember the story of this elderly chap.

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear 100 %. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

Talking about doctors
Two blondes were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said Betty. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” replied Amber. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second blonde hands the first her money. “I can’t take your money,” said Betty. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.” “No, no. Take it,” said Amber. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

Social media feed.

The moral of the story: The government is making all sorts of promises to frontline medical staff in this fight against corona virus. We love you, they say. You are our heroes. ‘’You are assured of adequate insurance, compensation and support during and in the aftermath of this disease’’. Just like they supported Dr Stella Adadevoh!
Government: Knock, knock!
Doctor: Who is there?
Government: Not you, anymore!

I just hope your hearing is good.

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